InnerTeub

A friend of mine mentioned to me last weekend that he thinks American women are having an identity crisis because they have so many options they have a hard time feeling fulfilled in any one choice. Now, he was saying this in regards to the “do I work or stay at home with kids” aspect, but I’m feeling it even now, in my mid 20s, kid-less and with the whole world in front of me.

I’m very close to life-collapse, and it’s solely my own doing. I thought for awhile that I needed to do a better job expending energy on only the things that matter, until I realized that there’s nothing on my list that DOESN’T matter to me. My full time job, ironman training, and social community are things that make my life mine, but they are also completely exhausting me.

Allow me to whine:

I want to be successful at my job, and am given opportunities every day to kick butt. But I also want to be successful at Ironman, and training every morning before work and evening after work leaves me fatigued and hungry AT work, making it hard to muster the energy to deliver a superior work product.

I’m moving in exactly two weeks, and haven’t even begun to pack. And I don’t know when I will, as I’ll be out of town next weekend, and training this weekend. I’ve got book club in a month, but I haven’t finished the book from LAST month, let alone found the time to order the new one; this is made even MORE pathetic when you know that my brother actually bought me an Amazon.com Prime account and it’s not like I’m paying for shipping.

I know that this is a temporary state – IM training will pass and be replaced with athletic training less strenuous, work will similarly ebb and flow, moving will be complete and life will feel settled again. But that’s not the point of the bigger problem: I can choose to IM train or not. I can choose a more challenging but more rewarding position at work, or not. I can get an MBA, or not. I can choose to spend weekends traveling to see my large and geographically diverse family, or not. I can say no to any and all of the wonderful options in front of me, but for now I seem to be choosing to …not.

But maybe, as it is with product development, you much successful in regards to what you DO choose to do as you are successful in regards to what you do NOT choose to do. Apple didn’t develop a PDA and a “pretty good” cell phone…they focused completely on the phone. Maybe it’s time to Microsoft Project my available life hours.

But no matter what I choose, I’m pretty sure the correct choice at this very moment is stop procrastinating and get back to work.

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I saw a greeting card in a store just this weekend that said “May Your House Always Be Too Small For All Your Friends”. This sentiment really hit home with me, especially considering I had just bought a house (condo) the day before.

The Boss and I purchased — against all the doom and gloom advice of TV Financial Pundits — a condo that, amazingly, hit all our widgets for what we wanted in a home. In DC. Dog friendly. Running/Cycling friendly. Quiet street, but walking distance to urban frenzy. Safe neighborhood. Tons of space. Near our friends.

Now, that last criteria we both mentioned with a little hesistation. Should we really decide where to live based on where our friends live? It seemed a little silly to let your friend’s house buying decisions dictate your own.

Except, not really. While The Boss and I enjoy each others company, and hope to spend many years with each other, I don’t think we pretend that our social needs are met exclusively by each other. In a great article published by the New York Times, the “isolation of marriage” is discussed, and it mentions:

Until 100 years ago, most societies agreed that it was dangerously antisocial, even pathologically self-absorbed, to elevate marital affection and nuclear-family ties above commitments to neighbors, extended kin, civic duty and religion.

These social committments — family, neighbors, community — are important to us, and we don’t want to isolate ourselves away from it. As much as we enjoy a quiet dinner together, we want a kitchen table that can fit our families and our friends.

The article continues on to say:

Instead, we should raise our expectations for, and commitment to, other relationships, especially since so many people now live so much of their lives outside marriage. Paradoxically, we can strengthen our marriages the most by not expecting them to be our sole refuge from the pressures of the modern work force. Instead we need to restructure both work and social life so we can reach out and build ties with others

Now, I don’t think for a second either one of us consciously thought that we can strengthen our relationship by living in a neighborhood that we already claim as part of our community. And when I look for comfort in my home, I want to come home to him, not all my neighbors. But I’m glad that we chose a place near a community that we feel we have ties to. And I hope that no matter where we live, our home is always too small for all of our friends.

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I got a text this morning from my brother, saying “Why didn’t you tell me you had a blog?? I thought we were friends!!!”

Indeed. I am fully embarrassed that he found my blog without my pointing it to him. See, I started this blog because I realized that in the course of Ironman training, I’ve stopped reading newspaper, books, watching news, or talking to people about anything except training. While browsing at Barnes and Noble with a friend, I commented that “I think I intellectually peaked in college,” and part of me believes that is true. I just don’t take the time to read new things, digest information, and engage in conversation about ideas that aren’t related to work and training. I’ve feel like I’ve become your stereotypical dumb jock.

Well, when I started this blog, I wasn’t sure what I would do with it (if anything), so I didn’t really tell anyone about it. Maybe I was a little scared that I didn’t have anything to offer. Of course, that hasn’t stopped anyone else from blogging, so I don’t know why it would stop me…

Anyway, when you sign in to Blogger to comment on someone’s blog, it “outs” you for having a blog. And thus my brother’s text to me this morning.

So here I am, outed. I suppose it’s time to start posting more than once a month.

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If they were, I doubt they would have run last week’s headline: “Can Michael Phelps Be Topped?”

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… that I found a better way to procrastinate. Clearly, the only option was a blog.

Not sure what this is going to be or where I want to take it, so until then, it’s template city and I’m the mayor.

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