InnerTeub

I loved my friend Lucy’s wedding vows so much that when I had to plan my own wedding ceremony, I blatantly stole them.

Our anniversary seems to be a good time to revisit, especially since we’re so busy and stressed that we’re basically hanging on by a thread, promising to just be polite to each other until after this month is over.

I take you to be no other than yourself,

Loving what I know of you,

trusting what I don’t yet know.

I promise to express my love for you

in all ways possible

to share in your pleasure and in your pain

and to let you share in my own

I promise to help you and to comfort you,

to trust you and to deserve your trust,

Through all our years,

and in all that life may bring us,

I pledge my life as your partner

To quote from a reading we read during the ceremony, “these vows are our way of saying to each other: ‘You know all those things we’ve promised and hoped and dreamed- well, I meant it all, every word.'”

I meant it all, honey. Every word.

PS: In “Trusting Things You Don’t Yet Know”, I suspect you now know that when I say”We’ll see,” that is code for “Not going to happen”, right? xoxo.

We had to write essay’s detailing why we wanted to volunteer at the Warrior Games this week. That’s a fair request – my company is paying for the whole trip, including our time away from our clients, they had a right to ask us to detail why we think we should receive such an honor.

It was an easy essay for me to write. If the purpose of the Warrior Games is to promote rehabilitation through competition and athletics, well, I can relate to that. (I was a heart patient before I was a triathlete, right?). If it’s to honor our troops who have sacrificed greatly in service to our country, well, I look at my veteran husband and can relate to that, too. But the essay was about me, and what the games meant to me, and that was probably the first indication that I had no idea what I was doing here this week.

It’s only Wednesday. The games aren’t over, and I haven’t even begun to process the final outcome of what it means to be out here, doing this, for me, but especially for them. I’m not sure I can process how hard it was for me to look into the eyes of a 20 year old whose face was completely covered in bandages, as the skin had all been burned off, and how disappointed I was in myself for not being able to take it in stride. Or how I looked at a blind double amputee and thought, “He swims faster than me. Holy god.” Or how I see an athlete who appears to be able bodied, and know that the injuries I can’t see might be the worst of all.

I worked yesterday at the preliminary round of the seated volleyball competition. The Marines were killing it (of course they were), but all the athletes were amazing. The athletes with legs were complaining that their legs were getting in the way of their moving around the court, and they were right. There was one call I had to make, a serve that went juuuuuuust a bit outside, and I swear I thought the entire Army team, in addition to their 50 spectators, were going to rush the field and kick my everloving ass. It was the most intense sporting event I’ve ever been to, and I prayed for the game to be won definitively, not by a line judge call, so I could leave there without armed escort, and that’s pretty much the moment I stopped seeing the missing legs and fingers and started cheering for these athletes.

Hi all! Just wanted to throw a gratutious self pimp out there to let you know that I’ll be contributing to the Waypoint Group’s blog, “Customer Insight= Revenue”. I’ve worked in the field of client satisfaction/quality programs for awhile, and the guys at Waypoint are doing some great thinking/writing regarding the field as a whole. I’m thrilled they asked me to contribute, and excited to have another outlet with which to complain about bad customer service (United Airlines, I am STILL looking at you.)

Oh, I’m just kidding, this field is more than just complaining – there are some really great school of thought regarding the best and most profitable ways to leverage customer feedback, and I’m glad to be included as a contributing mind.

I know this is interesting to exactly 1% of the population, but that 1% is you, feel free to go check it out!

Fabulous:

1. The weather, God, the weather. It is summer here, and while I will reserve the right to bitch about the heat and humidity, for now, I enjoyed a long ride out in the sun with my friends, the type of ride I dreamed about way back in February when I was stuck under two feet of snow. It was, indeed, fabulous

2. My friend Emily, who is well on her way to being the most amazing massage therapist, is using me for homework. Her homework coincided with the end of the above long ride, and if a beautiful, fun bike ride with friends ending with an amazing full body massage doesn’t make for best Sunday ever, well, I just do not know what does.

3. TriComet is back! Love having Haley back home and in our lives. She is staying with us while her apartment is getting ready, and our weird little family is having the best time time catching up and hanging out.

4. The U.S. Paralympics! My company is one of the sponsors of the U.S. Paralympics/Warrior Games and they are sending me out there next week to volunteer and support. I am SO EXCITED to see these athletes up close. The official blurb for the Warrior Games is:

Wounded servicemen and women will compete in the inaugural Warrior Games May 10-14, 2010, through a joint effort between the U.S. Department of Defense and U.S. Olympic Committee. These inaugural games are part of an effort to inspire recovery, capitalize on physical fitness, and promote new opportunities for growth and achievement.

I mean, how amazing is that? Very excited to see it up close and personal, and to assist in anyway that I can.

(Interesting note: Included among the definition of “wounded” is those suffering from PTSD. I am extremely proud of the military for recognizing PTSD as a debilitating condition and supporting their people in recovery with the same enthusiasm as those with physical ailments. Very cool.)

Less Fabulous:

1. Actually, I had a whole list of not fabulous things to talk about, but my “Fabulous” list made me like life so much that I almost don’t want to start complaining.

2. ALMOST.

3. I suppose the only un-fabulous thing that is worth noting is the reason Haley is home from Iraq early: she has sustained a stress fracture in her femur (…ouch). So, that is hugely sucky, in that she’d rather be over there and functional, then back here and hobbling. I have been enjoying watching her render jerks speechless; you would be amazed at how many smart ass comments a cute little blond girl will get while hobbling along on crutches, and it’s awesomely satisfying to see the embarrassment those smart-asses experience when she shuts them up with a quick “I fractured my femur in Iraq. I got back yesterday. Thanks for your support”

Anyhoo, back to the grindstone; work, laundry, train, eat, laundry, eat, train, work, rinse, repeat!

March, 2010:

This month’s book club selection was the book “Committed,” which we all hated for various reasons, but which sparked a lot of conversation, probably more so than any other book we’ve read. The main theme of the book is basically “Why bother to get married if you’re already in a long term, committed relationship?”

(Obligatory side note about how it’s nice to have the option)

This thread of conversation – which is of far too much length to be of any interest here — resulted in one of my good friends asking me if I had heard about “The Husband Project.” My loose understanding is that it’s basically an effort to do one nice thing a day for your spouse, for the purposes of preventing your marriage from descending into interactions more befitting two roommates than two life partners. (Apparently, there’s more to it, but frankly neither one of us is willing to shell out actual money for marital bliss, so we’re going with the abstract version posted on the website.)

Anyway, the concept seems simple enough, and there was a five day “Mini Project” on the website that was available for free, so we decided to try it out and see how it went. What the hell, right?

Day One: “Maybe This Isn’t For Us”

Ok, so, here’s the list of our daily projects:

1. Create 30 minutes of free time for your husband when we gets home
2. Initiate an activity that your husband used to love. Whether it’s his favorite hobby, sport, or pastime, it’s time for you to get involved – be his buddy today.
3. Say something nice about your husband to someone else. Make sure you tell him what you said, and to whom.
4. Get a food treat for your husband that he’s not required to share with you or any other family member.
5. Send a flirty text or e-mail to your husband.

Review of the projects lead to the following conversation:

Me: “Ok, I’m mostly kidding when I say this, but project #4 I like to call: “Every single time I grocery shop, which is by the way every week”

Her: “Too funny. I was just thinking I do #1 almost every damn day. Maybe this isn’t for us”

That should have been an indication that we are so not the type of people who should undertake this type of thing, but, you know,  it’s not like the projects were particularly tasking, so: off we went. Day 1: 30 minutes, free time. On it.

Texts messages that night between the two of us showed that she had picked up her daughter from day care, enabling her husband to keep working, and I had walked the dog and started dinner while he vegged in front of the World’s Most Annoying TV Show.

This type of behavior is otherwise known as “Your Typical Monday.”

****

May, 2010:

Flash forward two months: I’d like to tell you that we finished the five day mini project, but we totally did not. We were both happy on Day 1 to think of doing something nice for our spouses, and most of the other projects were easy enough to accomplish and fun, but we totally had to bail on the “Do an activity he used to like before you were married.” (I briefly contemplating offering to go to a bar and pick up chicks with him, but thought that might end poorly, so instead we went for a run together. Which is cheating, in that we do that anyways, but, hell, I don’t make the rules, right?) I suppose this makes us slight failures, at least we were able to take it in the spirit it was intended, which I understand to be, basically: “Remember to not be a jerk all the time, and all will be well”

Not to get all bogged down in the plight of women in the workplace, but I read an article today that seemed an appropriate compliment to my last post, and wanted to share.

NPR recently reviewed the latest offering from The History Channel: “America: The Story of Us,” and the reviewer shared her general disgust in the lack female participation. To quote:

There are fourteen people seen in that first hour commenting on history and its meaning, and on how the United States came to be, and about what kinds of people the early Americans were, and so forth — and only one of them, author and Rutgers professor Annette Gordon-Reed, was a woman.

That is…surprising, but what really caught my eye in this article was her last point:

It’s not about perfect statistical representation. You can’t possibly hope to achieve some sort of perfect microcosm. If it were 60/40 [men/women] in the opener, I probably wouldn’t have even noticed — 60/40 is what you’re numb to; 60/40 is the size of the callus you develop for these things.

I just… love this. Maybe I’m not so upset about the lack of women in my workplace because I just can’t be bothered, not if I’m going to continue to do my job. My understanding that there is problem, and my being upset that there is a problem, exist in almost separate spheres of my brain.

Maybe I just think the 75 cents to the dollar I get for my salary, and the two other women I see in a meeting of 30 people, is just as much as I can accept as Ok; it’s the callus I’ve developed for the way things are, so that I can continue on, the way I am.

And, just to tie into my previous post again, I don’t think that’s as much to do with women being conditioned to be polite, but more with women being conditioned to keep going. It’s the callus you develop for these kinds of things.

So yesterday I read a post regarding the lack of female entrepreneurs in the NYC tech scene. I agree that the startup world is likely male dominated, but then, that’s with a lot of places; I spend a lot of my working day as the only female in the meeting, so it’s not like I’m clutching my pearls over the lack of female representation in industry. Sometimes, that’s just the way it is, and it hasn’t always been a negative.

For the most part, I agree with the post. The final point of the article was a good one:

If you’re a woman and unhappy that the tech scene looks the way it does, go start your own company. Put up or shut up.

And you know, I think that’s a great piece of advice. Absolutely agree. Be the change you want to see in the world, etc etc.

However

Comma

Notable pause.

Before you get to that great point, that wonderful “Make the world the place you want to be” point, you have to wade through this:

I think one reason for this is that women are socialized to be more cautious about risk taking. And setting up the average startup is usually a lot more risk intensive than starting a blog and putting up some Google ad sense links. It’s being responsible for a weekly payroll, dealing with crap like benefits administration and renegotiating your leases, managing investor expectations while doing additional fundraising, and so on.

I read this and bristled. My exact reaction – which of course I had to take to twitter because God forbid I have a thought that I don’t share – was this:

“Gee, starting a company is “more risk intensive than starting a blog and putting up some Google ad sense link” I’m glad someone pointed that out to me, I never would have known otherwise. Silly girls!”

It was then pointed out to me that the blog post was written by a woman, suggesting, I guess, that the implication that women don’t start companies because they think it would just be too darn hard isn’t offensive if another woman says it, which… well, I’m going to choose to find the condescending statement condescending anyway, gender solidarity be damned.

I think there is merit to the idea that women – generally– get caught in a non-confrontational-need-to-be-polite zone that impacts their (our) ability negotiate salaries, pursue a promotion, or, I don’t know, sure: start a company. To be sure, my dad had to tell me explicitly to negotiate my first salary, and I felt like an ass doing it, and I was uncomfortable (but I still still did it. And am glad I did.) But I don’t believe for a second that is the only thing that impacts the lack of female tech entrepreneurs, and saying so in conjunction with the idea that women just need to get over their silly little qualms about “risk” and “effort” and “put up or shut up.”

I was lucky enough to work for a very small start up in my early twenties, where we lived and died by every invoice that came in.  My brother lived on my couch when he started his first company, and when I was a few months old my dad left the IBM corporate world to start his own business, and remains an entrepreneur to this day. I say this because when I say that recently I debated leaving my corporate job to be the third person in a new start up, the things that crossed my  mind weren’t necessarily the risk of the unknown, or uncertainty that I could do it, or non-familiarity with the start up world, but rather the business plan of the company, my desire to do that type of work, the CBA of leaving a job that I’m still learning in and, of course, the unavoidable realities of the fact that my current job offers amazing maternity leave benefits, my husband has equally demanding career and stresses, my stepdaughter needs to go to camp this summer…and all the family oritented considerations that I owe it to myself to contemplate. To read an article suggesting that women aren’t joining start ups because they are worried it’ll be harder than throwing a few ads on a blog strikes me as horrifically dismissive of, you know, reality.

Perhaps this is unique to women. Certainly my husband could start a company and not sweat loosing maternity leave. And at some point, I won’t care about maternity leave anymore, and maybe I’ll feel like I’ve learned everything I can from where I am, and the risk will be worth taking. But I’m kind of sad to learn that my hesitation is viewed as a systemic “women are meek” issue. My wanting a paid maternity has nothing to do with my ability to be as arrogant an asshole as the next guy (as suggested here); it has everything to do with the reality of being a woman with a career and a family and a desire to have more children, all at the same damn time.

I don’t expect that any male thinking to start a company has any less angst or considerations. The only difference is that I don’t see anyone suggesting that the qualms men may have about the risks involved are due to inherent personality weakness.