InnerTeub

I can’t believe it’s almost here. Just under a year ago I registered for Ironman Arizona, and in just a few days I will actually be at Ironman Arizona. Crazy. As they say, the days have been long but the year has been short.

I’m sad it’s going to be over. Sure, training for an ironman is life crushing and limiting in many ways, but I was just really starting to enjoy the training and really feel like I was getting the hang of it. I will miss this goal when it’s gone.

A few weeks ago I said to a friend: “You know, I’m pretty sure I can finish the race, but now I’m wondering why I’d WANT to”. I’ve done a few ultra long distance type races and training, and man, struggling to finish can just hurt. I know I can do it, but I’m trying to remember why I want to. But that was a few weeks ago. Now I’m just curious as hell to see how it goes.

It’ll be a long day. It’s not going to be very pretty. But I know that no matter how I do on Sunday, I know I will want to do better. I’m sure I’ll be back to Ironman.

That’s happy news. I’m very happy. I’ve been excited and distracted for two days. The Boss and I keep looking at each other and grinning. It feels peaceful, settled. It feels good.

Now, I’m happy, but I’m not surprised. I wasn’t unsure about him or us. We made it through a deployment to Iraq and back discussing our lives individually and what they meant for our lives collectively. We discussed finances, children, religion. Our families have welcomed us into their fold. A few months ago we bought a house together, and given the state of both the economy and the divorce rate, I’d argue committing to a mortgage is a bigger commitment than a marriage. So I’m not surprised that we’re engaged, but I’m so happy, and so excited. I often wondered if engagement/marriage would feel different than just co-home ownership/dog ownership. Now that I’m here, I realize: it is different. It feels different. After a fabulously selfish decade of young adulthood, I’m committed to something bigger than myself, and it feels wonderful.

But, I also feel like a little bit of an asshole. The morning after our engagement, I excitedly posted to Facebook my updated relationship status and spent the day posting back and forth with friends who were happy for us. It was a great feeling, until I realized: this was the same day Prop 8 officially passed in CA. While I was shouting from the rooftops the news of my upcoming marriage, some of my friends were being stripped of the right to marry at all.

The Boss asked me why I hadn’t blogged about our engagement. I didn’t really have an answer for him, except that, in a very small way , I’m a little ashamed. I’m a more privileged member of this country than some of my friends, and, as excited as I am to be getting married, I don’t feel good about flaunting that. I don’t even feel good about knowing that.

So, in addition to registering for plates and immersion blenders and whatever else Williams Sonoma will convince us we cannot start married life without, I’d like to also register as many votes as possible to the repeal of the amendments in California, Florida, Arizona, and everywhere else that honestly believes my relationship is more valid than the next. And I’d also just like to acknowledge to my friends that: I get it. I get how much this sucks. And I am so, so sorry.

Because I’m all into reposting other people’s eloquent thoughts, I thought I’d share with you what Eric has to say:

That’s the story of how, last night, I was inspired to believe in America again. But it wouldn’t last. Because in the same night that we elected the first black President, California voters passed Prop 8 eliminating marriage for same-sex couples. Because at a time when America finally seems ready to set aside our petty differences, and come together to elect a man President who at one point would not have been allowed to vote in this country, at least everyone can agree that we hate queers.

No matter how you feel about gay marriage, I think it should absolutely scare the hell out of you that California is amending its state constitution to take rights away from a class of people. And I’m not quite sure why 50% of the state of California isn’t concerned.

(Florida, don’t think I don’t see you there too. Go sit in the corner and think about what you did. Good LORD I don’t know what is happening to this country.)

I’m reposting this from Linda, because it sums up much, much better than I can how I felt today when I voted:

I teared up a little casting my ballot, I’m not going to lie.
It was…unexpected. I have seen patriotism so mistreated as a concept in the last… well, twenty years or so, I guess, that it’s made me really reluctant to think a lot about how much I love the country, how much it means to me, how much I hope for it to do good things and how much it bothers me when I feel like things are going wrong. That I do have an American identity, and that I see myself as part of a nation, as much as it sometimes makes me uncomfortable to be associated with particular leaders and actions.

I haven’t voted for a successful presidential candidate in twelve years. I have felt endlessly thwarted and heartbroken, and maybe I will again today. But I just felt very…honored and happy to be there, feeling like casting that vote was one of the most genuinely American things I was ever going to have the opportunity to do. I know how corny that sounds, I really do. But that was how I felt. I felt so much relief at the thought that whether he wins or loses, Obama has really revitalized American progressivism, and that he’s just brought so much enthusiasm to civic life, where most of civic life while I’ve been an adult has been made up of telling people to hate government. I am, at heart, even more of a good-government geek than I am a progressive, and the idea of someone so smart and capable and gifted even being available to me as a presidential candidate just made my little heart burst with joy.

Just saw this website where people can go to “download and share their ‘Barack O’Lantern'”. (I love a good pun so much I’d like this even if I didn’t like Obama! )

Makes me wish I had both pumpkin and artistic ability.

So, I’m like, a week behind the news cycle on this, but: THANK YOU, General Powell.

I didn’t see Meet the Press when he was on it (ok, I never watch Meet the Press, so this shouldn’t be surprising), but when I finally got around to watching the replay of his interview, I found myself almost in tears, mostly specifically at this part:

“ ‘Well, you know that Mr. Obama is a Muslim.’ Well, the correct answer is, he is not a Muslim. He’s a Christian. He’s always been a Christian. But the really right answer is, what if he is? Is there something wrong with being a Muslim in this country? The answer’s no. That’s not America. Is something wrong with some 7-year-old Muslim-American kid believing that he or she could be president?”

Why has it taken so long for someone to say this? I’m reminded of hearing Ann Richards speak once, about how campainging in Texas, one of the tactics used against her by the Bush campaign were flyers left on voters cars, informing the voters that she employed homosexuals. And by all accounts, it was successful. People in Texas didn’t want to vote for someone who was OK with homosexuals. I’m amazed that the public as a whole isn’t enraged at being so manipulated.

What a horrible way to profit from attitudes we should be ashamed of. We all have our prejudices that influence how we see and treat the world, but I cannot believe that we as a country celebrate them and condone them — we should be working to overcome them! We should be ashamed of ourselves, that we think this is acceptable behavior, this hate mongering. That we’ve bought into the idea that these “accusations” (‘He’s Muslim!” “She knows gay people!”) would sway us as voters — and maybe it does, as evidenced by the fact that the Obama campaign removed woman in headscarves from a TV cameras line of sight lest America see him with “them”. I know deep down that we as a country are better than that, but I also know that the Obama campaign has no reason to trust that we are. Maybe it’s time that we gave him a reason to.

So, thank you, General Powell, for reminding us that we should hold ourselves to a higher standard, that our personal unease with a specific ethnicity, religion or way of life is not something that should be exploited for political gain. We deserve better from people who are asking for our vote, but more importantly we deserve better from ourselves.

5am: 9 mile run
9am: House closing
10-3pm: Move
3:30-6pm: Work, finish deliverable
6:30pm: Swim
8pm: Unpack

Somewhere in there, I’m pretty sure I should sleep.

Anyway, busy day! But glad to have it. The new house (condo) is AMAZING and while I’m sure in time I’ll learn why it isn’t, right now it’s a little slice of heaven.

A friend of mine mentioned to me last weekend that he thinks American women are having an identity crisis because they have so many options they have a hard time feeling fulfilled in any one choice. Now, he was saying this in regards to the “do I work or stay at home with kids” aspect, but I’m feeling it even now, in my mid 20s, kid-less and with the whole world in front of me.

I’m very close to life-collapse, and it’s solely my own doing. I thought for awhile that I needed to do a better job expending energy on only the things that matter, until I realized that there’s nothing on my list that DOESN’T matter to me. My full time job, ironman training, and social community are things that make my life mine, but they are also completely exhausting me.

Allow me to whine:

I want to be successful at my job, and am given opportunities every day to kick butt. But I also want to be successful at Ironman, and training every morning before work and evening after work leaves me fatigued and hungry AT work, making it hard to muster the energy to deliver a superior work product.

I’m moving in exactly two weeks, and haven’t even begun to pack. And I don’t know when I will, as I’ll be out of town next weekend, and training this weekend. I’ve got book club in a month, but I haven’t finished the book from LAST month, let alone found the time to order the new one; this is made even MORE pathetic when you know that my brother actually bought me an Amazon.com Prime account and it’s not like I’m paying for shipping.

I know that this is a temporary state – IM training will pass and be replaced with athletic training less strenuous, work will similarly ebb and flow, moving will be complete and life will feel settled again. But that’s not the point of the bigger problem: I can choose to IM train or not. I can choose a more challenging but more rewarding position at work, or not. I can get an MBA, or not. I can choose to spend weekends traveling to see my large and geographically diverse family, or not. I can say no to any and all of the wonderful options in front of me, but for now I seem to be choosing to …not.

But maybe, as it is with product development, you much successful in regards to what you DO choose to do as you are successful in regards to what you do NOT choose to do. Apple didn’t develop a PDA and a “pretty good” cell phone…they focused completely on the phone. Maybe it’s time to Microsoft Project my available life hours.

But no matter what I choose, I’m pretty sure the correct choice at this very moment is stop procrastinating and get back to work.