InnerTeub

I’ve been traveling for the past three weeks, with one more week to go. I don’t mind this kind of travel; it’s a part of my job, not that frequent, the change of pace comes at the right moment , and while this kind of whirlwind means most personal administration gets forgotten (email? Blog? Eh?) it’s not a permanent routine and thus totally doable.

(to level set the crazy, though: in the past 16 days I’ve been in: Portland, DC, Baltimore, Ft. Worth, San Francisco, Birmingham, Milwaukee, and Raleigh, and next week will hit Orange County and Portland [again]. Whew.)

(I am always hesitant to complain — wait, actually, I’m NEVER hesitant to complain however I am cognizant that while I’m complaining, it does air on the side of douchebaggery. I think there is a certain type of personality that takes pride in being ohmygod so busy and in every exasperated sigh and complaint of “God, not this airport again” there is an element of bragging about how important we are as individuals that our very presence is required in person for a job to be done correctly. I get that this can come across, I really do. But I also get that like, 16 days of travel is tiring regardless, even though I am the exact type of personality to volunteer for this type of gig.)

But let’s not let this discussion of why one would complain interrupt me from actually complaining:

So, for what, 10 years? Southwest has been doing the open seating thing, where you board the plane in order you check in and take whatever seat you want. This is nowhere close to new procedure, and I dare say it is no more arbitrary than having the airline assign you a seat. (“But what of my first class option?” you ask. Yes, yes, I know. It is terrible back in steerage. But it’s also an $80 dollar ticket, so like, work with it.) But even though the open seating idea isn’t new, even though it has proven to actually be, in many cases, more efficient than airline assigned seats, there is still always that one guy that has to bitch loudly and frequently while lining up: “What are we, cattle? [LOUD SIGH]”

Dude. You bought the ticket. You knew it was Southwest, and you knew this was how they board. No one forced you to be here. Shut it, already.

Compare the open seating boarding procedure to my most recent experience boarding a United Airline flight:

There we all were, crushed in a mass, waiting to board. At the gateway there were two roped off lines next to each other for approaching the jetway: one on the left with a red carpet, one on the right with a black carpet. First Class was called to board, then Business Select, then Premier, then Global Something Something, then 1k… Etc. (United Airlines has clearly taken notes from the caste systems in India and Downton Abbey).

All these lovely people walked down the left side red carpeted path. When the gate agent finally got around to boarding us working class folk, we also proceeded down the left side path, following the example set by our First Class/Premier Exec/Global Something Something/1k betters. A line of probably 20 people had formed and walked down but before anyone was let through -I’m not even kidding you here-  the gate agent made everyone REVERSE DOWN THAT PATH,  MOVE ONE FOOT TO THE RIGHT, AND WALK UP ON THE BLACK – not red- CARPET. Like, he literally refused to take their ticket and let them by if they didn’t come up the side that was explicitly for non-elite members.

I mean, come on. The important people were already on the plane! They’d never know that we defiled their red carpet! We won’t tell, promise!  Just let us board in our herd of seating zones and thank our lucky stars we didn’t have to put up with the indignity of open seating. Whew.