Right after I got engaged, a career mentor of mine casually mentioned: “Marriage can survive 1.5 careers, but not 2”
He wasn’t trying to be a dick. He wasn’t suggesting that getting married was going to kill my career. He was just saying “Marriage is hard, and it’s harder when both people are hyper focused on their career.”
I have found this be true. When Mike and I both had high intensity jobs, it was hard. We struggled. Picking up my stepdaughter from summer camp at 3:30pm was an everyday conversation of “Whose job is least important today? Who can take the hit and leave early?” Continually deciding who was going to be the person to do 80% at their job in order to take care of stuff at home isn’t fun, and led to a lot of extra stress, a lot of feeling like we were failing both at work AND at home. Letting everyone down, all the time.
That’s where the 1.5 careers comes in. It’s not about not having two people who don’t work full time, or that one person’s job is any less important (financially or lifestyle wise), but more about an understanding that one person will go “all in” on their career, provided the other person can step up on the home front. It’s about expectation setting, and flexibility. I can work late when I need to, I can take that meeting in Milwaukee next Tuesday, I can be 100% at work when I’m actually at work because I know my husband has the time and flexibility in his job to make sure I’m not dropping things on the back end. I couldn’t do the job I do now, and feel comfortable that I can continue to make the living I do if I wasn’t working as part of team.
It’s working for us right now, but you know, nothing lasts forever. We check in with each other a lot; “Are you still happy? Are you bored? Is this what you want to be doing?” The answers to those questions might change, and we’ll change to accommodate. I see so much conversation about the idea of “having it all”, but those always seem to look at a woman in a vacuum, with not a lot of discussion about the way the family is structured around it. Can women (or anyone) have it all? Sure, why not. You can have anything you want. But you can’t have everything you want, not at least all at the same time. Life, as I understand it , is a lot of give and take. I want my marriage and my family. 1.5 careers is working for us as we move forward.
(Interestingly, when we were discussing this on twitter, one woman mentioned that her being a stay at home parent IS their “1” career, and her husband’s work was the .5. This makes total sense to me – she has four young kids, and the raising of four very young children requires her husband to have an extremely flexible job. As they grow older, she anticipates a shift in the dynamic, where she slips to the .5 and and he can rededicate to work, making his job the “1”. I love this example because it just seems to smart, and so real.)
InnerTeub 
This is one of the many reasons that I think you are rad.
That also may be the only comment I ever leave on your blog, I realize. Creativity with comments is not my strong suit clearly. But I hear this SO HARD. And think it is so so so so so true.
Haaaaaaa, Holly, you can continue to leave this comment as often as you like 🙂
We struggle with this a lot. My husband has a career that he loves that unfortunately isn’t very flexible when it comes to hours and overtime and such. If they need him, he has to be there (he is in law enforcement). My job also isn’t as flexible as I would like but I work to pay bills not because I love it. We got by with our current situation but one day I hope it will change because it would be much easier if we both were able to do something we love.
Fascinating topic. And it’s interesting to me that Mike is the .5 and you are the 1. I would guess that more often it’s the other way around. I am interested to see if/how this changes if/when kids enter the picture. In our case I feel like Torsten is a 1 and I’m a .9 and our nanny makes up the other .4. We’ll see how that changes as Callum gets older and we have school instead of childcare. I’ve read that even the most gender-equal relationships tend to shift to more traditional gender roles when kids come along. I haven’t observed much of that in our lives yet, but when there’s no more household help, maybe we’ll move further in that direction.
So, Jess, in our case, we have an interesting set up in that Mike had ALWAYS been the 1. He has had an extremely successful military career, and has, I guess you could say, checked the ego box on the “Career” line on the life list. But when we got married, he had left full time military (is still in the reserves) and was doing other work that he liked far less. Couple that with the fact that I sincerely like my job, this setup kind of naturally came about. (Not “kind of” – we drastically changed our entire life so we could live on just my salary plus his reserve salary, but whatever.) Sometimes I think the stigma of being the guy who is the .5 chafes at him, but at the same time, he’s BEEN there. He’s DONE that.
But that becomes a whole other post on second marriages, etc 🙂
Definitely fascinating. I have so many thoughts that I’m sitting here trying to articulate them all and I just can’t. I’m going to think more and come back.
I’m with Jennie – I’ve been mulling this over since the twitter conversation last night and I just can’t quite get all my thoughts in order.
I’ve gone back and forth about who is the 0.5 in our relationship, and I think we trade. We are really lucky to have a flexible work place (we both work at the same lab, which has a really generous flex time policy), so I think it really varies who takes the hit for child illness, or during work hours life maintenance, etc. In the first 6-8 months after E was born, I think it was mostly me, but now I’d say it’s pretty even. That said, we have shit falling by the wayside constantly, and it is definitely a major source of stress for me. Our house is often a terrible mess, we don’t pay as much attention to details as we might should, some of our friendships and social lives have suffered. This is all on my mind a LOT lately as I am ruminating over career choices. I have zero answers, so I’m enjoying reading everyone else’s.
Really a fascinating topic.
YES. I’m the one at the end of th e year out of sick and vacation days because I use mine when the kids are sick or need chaperones for field trips. I can take a long lunch to make a school meeting or cut down to part-time temporarily while my kids need me after school. I’m the .5 for sure.
[…] when I read Liz’s AWESOME POST yesterday (seriously, go read it immediately, I can wait) about the singular task of juggling your […]
Interesting thought, funny that is sort of how we ended up unconsciously over time. Granted, I am currently more the .25 as we shifted the majority of my energy on getting me healthy and trying to start a family (tick tock), but this set up has ended up working quite well. The husbands 1+ career and his other passion in life require so much of his time and energy I have actually enjoyed taking the copilot role for a change and putting lots of time into taking care of our home, finances, cooking and our relationship. I used to be all about my job and advancing, shifting to a slow down phase for me took some adjustment but we now are both happier in our relationship. Since the family phase has taken longer then expected there are times I get a bit antsy for a big career move again, but usually I think back to how hectic and unbalanced our lives felt before and that quickly fades. I do suspect things will shift over time but for now this feels like the right path for us.
Hey, my coworker and I were just kind of talking about the 1.5 Career Marriage! I said I felt like only one person in a relationship gets their “thing” at any given time. Right now, her husband’s “thing” is starting a very rigorous job within a branch of the military. They/he only decided to do that once her “thing” (moving them to S. Cal for her job) didn’t pan out. Presumably, this wouldn’t have worked (at least not WELL) if they’d moved to S. Cal AND he’d started this crazy job.
So yeah, one person gets their thing (which could be anything! Iron-man training, for example) at a time and then you reassess and make sure everyone’s happy, make changes as needed, etc. Then the next person gets their “thing,” and maybe not for a couple years, but it’s all a give-and-take. Very wise, oh mentor of yours 🙂
Sarah, this set off bells in my head- I want to go back to school at some point, so that will be my “thing,” while J will have to ease off the crazy work schedule to pick up the slack. It will be interesting to see how it plays out for us, because right now, I do ALL SORTS OF SHIT at home so that J can work one million hours (not all of it related to childcare, although that’s most of it).
I have loved and wrapped my brain (and heart) around that piece from your mentor since you mentioned it on Twitter a few days ago. You have no idea. It so perfectly articulates what I’ve been struggling with, and knew on some level, for YEARS.
For so long–really up until you shared the nugget–I’d chalked my recent lack of desire for more of a career trajectory as a failing of my own; something I wasn’t doing or actively seeking. And while a small part of that may be (along with some other internal workplace dynamic shifts that have occurred), I think it is largely a shift that has happened at home. A needed and very important shift. My job/career at this time allows me to take kids to appointments whenever they are scheduled; to make a great living; to not be stressed; not travel and never take work home. I have been able to be present for Ezra and Iris (especially after Iris was first born and a hot mess) without worry of losing my job or income.
T has continued to thrive and advance in his career but it comes with a sacrifice at home, but by me fulfilling .5, the ripple effect is managed and tolerable.
So thank you, Liz, for sharing what you did. Truly.
Oh, K, I’m so glad. I think it’s so hard to be on the .5 side, because of that feeling that because you’re not the 1, there’s something “wrong”. The work Mike does to keep our family working does not result in promotions or raises or bonuses, it’s hard to explain to people when you first meet them (“What do you do?” “I take care of shit, THAT’S what I do” –> that conversation never happens), and it’s not an impressive resume bullet. But it’s an investment in our team, and I just wish there was a better way for it to be rewarded and recognized, a way that was more tangible but still as great as “well adjusted kids, happy marriage, etc.”
We inadvertently fell into the routine we’re in now because we were trying to fix things that weren’t working, and it was only after the fact that I was like “oh, right. That was what the 1.5 thing was all about. Got it.”
Yes yes yes. We traded who was the .5 about a year ago (now it’s me) and though I wouldn’t change it, I still have pangs of “I’m doing something wrong,” and this articulation of the bigger picture team concept and the need to take the long view (I won’t be the .5 forever, probably) has been so helpful for me.
Wow, K. I feel a lot better now, actually. My lack of desire for a career trajectory went AWOL a long time ago and I’ve struggled a lot with motivation. Some days I can’t seem to get anything done at work and I thought I just stuck as an employee or was in the wrong job or something. It wasn’t that I disliked my job, just that I…couldn’t seem to get off my butt and do it.
But yes, the thing is, my mind is ALWAYS on home. What needs to get done. Who needs to get the kids. What Christmas presents are we buying. And, like Susie, tons of stuff was falling through the cracks. Which made me feel even more inept, because, hello, my job is part time. Theoretically, the 0.5, you know? But my “part time” meant 32 hours as a base, then extra time all of the place (nearly every Saturday this fall!) turning it into not “part” at all.
K knows, but Liz, if you don’t, I’m quitting and I am SO excited to be a REAL 0.5.
Oops, that was supposed to say ‘my desire went AWOL’ not lack of.
I’ve also felt frustrated with my lack of motivation. Why don’t *I* want to go back to school? Why don’t *I* feel super motivated at work? (Like Jesabes says about not being “able to get anything done at work”) I kept feeling like there was something wrong with me. I’ve never been like this before. Kind of stagnant, just going with the motions/flow. But I have a kid and a baby on the way, my husband (also in law enforcement, a career change I saw him through while taking care of a newborn) has a less flexible career – nights and weekends – and I have to do a lot of the house/kid care. That’s what *I’m* doing right now. But yet, some days I still wonder if that’s enough. But the thought of trying for another job or going back to school or picking up another hobby… Well, that just makes me tired. 😉 I tell myself that someday will be “my turn” but then I’m not even sure what that WILL BE or what THAT MEANS.
Anyway, my point in the end, was it was nice to read this post, and then read the comments that others feel this way too. I feel less alone in my confusion/frustration/etc., less alone in my head. 🙂
This is so true for me. But also a privilege that I think a lot of people don’t get.
My parents, for example, had my mom working while my dad worked nights, had a co-op, AND was going to college full-time – so he was the 1.5, at LEAST. They did this with 3 young kids. But eventually, he got a very demanding job as a businessman and my mom stayed at home with 5 kids. Their marriage is much better now than in those early years.
My husband and I are probably fairly equal in terms of sharing the 1.5 – maybe he’s the .8 and I’m the .7. We both stay at home with part-time with our son and work part-time outside the home. On top of THAT, he takes three PhD courses and I have a freelance design business
I’m so glad you posted about this, Liz. (Also, you mentioned me! Cool!)
One thing I really like about this paradigm, the way you’re talking about it, is that it’s so flexible and can mean what we need it to mean, but it forces us to focus on the reality that running a household IS a job, especially with child(ren), and it’s not something we can just fit in around the edges of our (more visible) life goals. Making relationships work is SO MUCH about expectations, and this helps keep them real.
Also, this whole discussion has really given me more awareness about the challenges of being single, especially single parents. I’ve always thought of the trial of singlehood as mainly the absence of an emotional partner. But, really, single people CAN’T be the .5, ever, so they have to do everything themselves. That must be really tough.
Great conversation!
I want to take a moment to appreciate that Arwen mentions single parents here. My parents had a typical 1.5 marriage until their divorce and then my mom, sister, and I moved from a very expensive part of the country to Texas and my dad stayed. My mom had to be everything herself and while I’ve always appreciated that on some level, it’s not until now, when I have my own family but so much more support (and it’s STILL tough for me to make it all work) that I really just want to take her to dinner, give her a very big hug, and thank her again.
Jennie/Arwen: Yeeeeessssss. Yes. A) I cannot even imagine and b)I also think that that’s another element that is SO HARD about being the .5 — it’s an investment in your family and your marriage, and is necessary, but you get ZERO payout on it if the marriage goes away. Ugh.
I don’t even know where I fit in this. Where we fit as a married couple.
Mike works a standard 7-3 job with occasional on-call shifts in IT.
I work from home a very demanding deadline-driven job in publishing which I love and have loved for the 10 years I’ve been working. Giving it up was never a thought, even after two littles came in two years time.
So, the flexibility of working from home means I do a little more of the shuffling around of children but Mike’s hours also let him be just as involved in that hullaballoo.
Then, I was lucky enough to land a great freelance gig as a writer/editor for a real life magazine. Add in more deadlines. Then, I took on the social networking and PR and Newsletter stuff for our gym as another side job (free CF membership for family, um YES PLEASE). Then I have my recipe blog and all the subsequent work that takes.
So basically I have two careers: one as an editor that pays very well and the other one as a writer that does not pay much but adds a little supplemental cash and most importantly, open doors.
Then there’s the house, cooking, two kids, and all that stuff.
Two careers, four jobs, essentially. Plus family.
And I love it all. Most of the time.
His other job is supplementing my time with household stuff. I’ll work in my office, he’ll do dishes or laundry.
He says he doesn’t mind and I KNOW he doesn’t but OH the guilt I feel “working” when he is … wait… he is working too, right? Two jobs.
His other job is letting me have hopes and dreams and careers.
Some days it’s hard but we love each other so we make it work.
For now….
So, I have to say I was a little prickly when I first heard this. No! We both have careers and they’re both moving forward and we also have a full family life and and and…
Then I thought that it doesn’t have to be one person in one role for an extended period of time and that’s when the light bulb clicked for me. This week I’m the one and next month it could be Mike. We ebb and flow more than the average couple, I think, because of our specific jobs, but the other is (nearly always) supportive of whoever is “the one.” I’ve had to work late every night for a while and Mike doesn’t complain. He does pick-up, dinner, bedtime, etc. He is there for me when I need him to be, so that my “one” doesn’t include much guilt. When he’s working late and trying to squeeze in overtime during tax season, I hope I give him that same support.
We also have a very lucky situation where we have a super supportive family who helps us–my mom, Mike’s mom. My MIL is a teacher and in the summer, she probably gets her own .5 in our family because she’s able to take him when he’s sick and she can take him to swimming lessons if they’re during the day, etc. When Kyle was sick with every cold and flu imaginable his first year, Kristie got at least a .25 in our family because she took care of him a handful of times and brought us dinner and was just part of our invaluable support system. Or part of a support system that makes our lives so much easier and more enjoyable. (And I *hope* that I provide support to the people who are so good to us, in the unique ways they need it.)
I had to accept that this help is better for Kyle. He doesn’t get everything he needs from his mom. That was a hard thing for me to come to terms with. I can’t drop everything all the time to be there for him, but I can make sure that someone he loves and trusts IS always there for him (from trusted daycare providers to his grandparents to Mike) when I can’t be. I can make sure that he has security, that he has quality time with me when we’re together (for instance: no phones at any dinner table we’re ever together at–I hope that rule sticks around for a while), that he always knows how much I love him and that he feels me choosing him way more often than he feels my absence. I can’t be at every soccer practice or game (I got stuck in traffic one time, was out of town for work another time) but I can be at 85% of them and I can make sure he knows I’m thinking of him when I can’t be there.
I always say, you can have it all but you certainly can’t get it, keep it, or enjoy it all by yourself. You HAVE to have help. I have to have the husband I have, the in-laws I have, the mom I have, the boss I have, the day care providers I have (I could go on and on about how they have helped us immeasurably, but rest assured it’s a lot), the team around me at work I have, the colleague I have who is an invaluable sanity saver for me AT work, the friends I have, the community I have, too. It really does require all that to have the life I have, and I bet many people feel similarly. It just takes so much help and thank everything for the help we have. Kyle is so much BETTER for all those extra hands.
That’s a long way of saying that this was so interesting for me and it made me appreciate so many people (especially my own mom, who was a single mom, and Mike) that much more than I already did.
Oh, that’s really interesting. Like today, I’m the one because I have board meetings, but tomorrow my husband is in trial, so he’s the 1. I didn’t think of it like that.
[…] reading an interesting post about how marriages can support 1.5 careers, but not 2, and reading Katie’s post about how […]
My husband and I are in a very interesting position in that I have the job that pays the bills, but he has the career that gets the most attention. At any given point, we sort of switch off on who is the 1 as far as who is giving their time and energy, much like Jennie & Mike do, which is only possible because he works at home and I have an extraordinarily understanding and flexible boss. (We also have one car, which adds to the chaos, and often makes the determination on who is the 1 based on who needs the car more on a given day.)
I think in general, though, I agree with what you’re saying–2 high powered careers going at one time are tough to maintain in a marriage, and even tougher with a family. Not impossible, mind, but tough.
[…] certainly end up looking bad in this equation. But then I read most of a twitter conversation and this post about having “1.5 career marriage,” plus an infinite number of articles about work life […]
[…] early in our marriage, I came across a blog post about a 1.5 career marriage. Greg and I both read it, talked about it, and decided that for us it makes sense. It allows us to […]